Jesus Hit on My Girlfriend

Beth is a looker, that’s for sure.

She loved that bar, too, from the fake

Tiffany lamps to the tribute band’s

Amps. For Christ’s sake!

 

You can’t compete with the Messiah.

Not when he says “Hiya,

Baby,” flashing and fanning

Those pearly whites.

“Man, this just bites,”

I said to Vixen (then manning

The keg) when his Dentyne choppers

Introduced Beth

To his chromed H-D hog, which was hipper

Than mine. She could recline.

 

When Jesus hit on my girlfriend,

I thought it was the end

Of the world.  And of us, too.

Why couldn’t he have picked

Some other plump chick — Caprice, Suellen?

Both those gals were born licked.

Caprice was a six, Suellen

A seven. That’s how I’d voted

The night Beth asked me to confess.

She grew instantly moated:

“Oh, well,” she said. “We’re all

Size Four in Heaven, I guess.”

 

“Save me from Jesus, Lord,”

Was what I was still praying

When Beth left with a smile

Bigger than my credit-card debt.

So much for Vixen saying

That a truck could drive through

What I haven’t seen yet.

 

They were gone for three days.

I’d almost lost hope for our dream.

Later Beth told me stories

Of diamonds and things.

She was drunk on the stoop of our trailer,

And the King of Kings

Had pulled her strings

While I sat at home with  Jim Beam

And a dog we’d named Failure.

 

 

 

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Secret Service Code Names for 2012 GOP Field Leak Early


[NOTE: The U.S. Secret Service, of course, has to be prepared for anything. In the past, their code names for presidents and presidential candidates have often had a certain poetry -- for instance, "Lancer" for John F. Kennedy, or "Rawhide" for Ronald Reagan -- as well as, on occasion,  a certain malice: e.g., "Deacon" for Jimmy Carter. This memo's author is unknown, as is its provenance or reliability. But everything about it practically reeks of authenticity.]

Mitt Romney                                                Bootstrap

Michele Bachmann                                      Chuckles

Newt Gingrich                                              Krypton

Mike Huckabee                                            Weltschmerz

Ron Paul                                                        Trial

Sarah Palin                                                    Facebook

Haley Barbour *                                           Rectum

Herman Cain                                                 Negro

Rick Santorum                                              Fungus   Smegma Bungee

Jon Huntsman                                              Tintin

Tim Pawlenty                                                Bellhop

Mitch Daniels                                                Other

Donald Trump                                               Screwtop

 

*Barbour dropped out of contention after seeing an early copy of this list.

 

 

 

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Art Young (1866-1943) Predicts The Interwebs

“I shot a cartoon in the air;

It fell — I know not where,

But after all there’s no regret,

The idea may be going yet.”

– Art Young, cartoonist for The Masses, circa 1917. Quoted in Allen Churchill’s The Improper Bohemians: Greenwich Village in Its Heyday (1959), in which Allen Ginsberg’s name does not appear.

 

 

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Victor Mature Discovers His Parachute Is Defective

Big blue! So high. Uncapped for our

Benefit – bowling along, as loud as Beethoven

Up close– the orchestrated cold howls by. They warned us

How thin the air would be, but not that heaven’s

Volume knob is cranked up like the Colosseum’s roar. My turn?

Thanks, jumpmaster!  Thank you for the green light. And

Now: clenched grin, a forestalled

Wave at the hurrahing clouds – then a two-handed,

Grecian-formulaic, exultant heave. In my camel-hair coat, new opera scarf,

And wingtips, I’m through

The screaming door.

 

Bogart’s chute is opening. That’s Wayne’s big one down

Below – majestically bobbing, like he walks. Mitchum is

Already on the ground, his bunched silk (like a soft

Cathedral’s fleecy drip) swaddling one

Lounging elbow, lighting something up. Is that a stick

Of Mary Jane? Mitchum’s so – what’s C.B.’s word? –

Incorrigible! One thing I like about thinking is

You never need to worry

About spelling it. Hi, Bob! I was

On that plane.

 

And Stewart? Jimmy was our pilot. He flew

In the war, you know. Let’s wave to him before

He’s vanished! Let’s wave with this bro-

Ken handle on the ripcord I’ve just pulled.

 

Adieu. To think that once, by Lana Turner’s pool,

Her lover Johnny Stompanato

And I compared chest expansions, excluding Lana

From our contest with the leers

And roars I gathered from his darkly muscled face

She took for flattery. Her suit was a strange white;

Her daughter, an unhappy child, nearby. Lana said

That Johnny won. My good luck was

No publicists were there. Did you say all?

 

O hell-kite! All? Not even Samson and Delilah?

(1949, De Mille.) Not Demetrius and the Gladiators? For

Me, if you ask me, I was good

In Ford’s My Darling Clementine; I’m sure that one will last.

Yet somehow, though, I won’t

Be in it anymore – as if you had just been asked

To name Franklin Roosevelt’s

Vice presidents, and their distinctive contributions

To his reign.

 

(Do you remember Franklin D. Roosevelt? I shook

His hand in ’42. His grip was as strong

As a runner’s legs. I’d been an athlete once

Myself.  I knew. )

 

It might have been sweeter not to find out now: to

Plummet like this blindly, under the illusion

I could fly. As I do so with eyes open, under no

Illusions whatsoever – though I’m still over,

I suppose, a few – I can see Bogart

Locate a convertible newly Timexed

By late sun, and board it with a brisk

Caramelizing smack of its beige door. It’s driven,

Of course, by Betty Bacall: I should have

Thought of that. Insurance. And Wayne? Beneath

His homely Stetson’s crown, he’s plodding toward

Another Western. That means my fall from the sky

Will be watched only by Bob

Mitchum. And he will be high.

____________________________________

Three possible endings:

  1. “Cut! Let’s try it again.” (C.B. De Mille.)
  2. “Victor, you were wonderful.”
  3. Thank you for the green light.

Black Clock 6, 2007

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I Am The Noonan

You are rude and I am stewed and where’s my snood and I must write a column.
Where is the sink, no ice in my drink,
I’m Peggy.

Sitting in a green room, waiting for George Will to smile.
John McCain betrayed me, Wall Street Journal pays me,
trying to remember when I was a little girl.
I worked for Reagan! I write a column.
I AM THE NOONAN! Gin Rin Tin Tin!

Blanche Du Bois menage à trois with cocktail, self and MacBook.
See how I’ve climbed, like MoDo at the Times, see how we rhyme.
I’m Peggy.

Apple pie and baseball, witnessed from a limousine.
There’s a sale at Bergdorf’s, I feel patriotic,
should I mention World War Two?
I have a deadline (woo-hoo)! Must write a column (WOO-hoo)!
I AM THE NOONAN! Gin Rin Tin Tin, oh gin Rin Tin Tin.

Standing outside the Rose Garden, waiting for my Ron.
Since I know he’s gone, I’ll have some rum –
maybe even with my maid.
I need a topic (woo-hoo)! Must write a column (WOO-hoo)!
I AM THE NOONAN! Gin grin again! Hello, Huck Finn!

Maggie Thatcher, Teri Hatcher –
No, I guess that’s Maureen’s turf.
See how we vie like Cirque Du Soleil,
see how we fly.
I’m Peggy.

Kindness of strangers? Can I be the first in line?
If I knew myself I’d be somebody else.
All of you Kowalskis kicking poor old Blanche DuBois.
I have a deadline (woo-hoo)! I don’t want realism (woo-hoo)!
I AM THE NOONAN.

 

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Here Is an Answer That You’ll Endorse

Queer? I think you’re senile, Bob. No man is a hero

To his naggy. Not in New Hampshire in winter! Brrr! I’m

No spring chicken either, as you know, and spare me

The sensitivo act you peddle to the bipeds. I’ve seen you

Standing in the stable, sizing up my future with that poet’s

Precise eye of yours: the glue factory next May? A shambling

Temporary gift for someone’s grandkids, with a gentle

Disposition (I’ve got no choice about that now) and a surefire

Expiration date? I know you won’t

Shed a single tear, Bob. You do, too.

 

You didn’t take me down with you

To Washington for the inaugural. But don’t

You think a junior Kennedy or two

Might have liked to shake my hoof? I’m more

Famous than Misty of Chincoteague. Or should have been,

But in your quest to keep us both generic (knowing no one

Would be fooled — not in your case, anyway),

You never divulged my name.

That hurt the most. Why, I can’t say.

 

It was Ed, Bob, you remember, and there were

Days when you even Mistered me. You should have

Heard me whinny “Wil-bur!” in my paddock, but

You didn’t. Like all literary giants, Everested

In that chair I only saw through frosted

windows, you hated it anytime the help

Mentioned the competition.  I stayed mute.

 

I’d have liked to have met Caroline, at least. Like

Her mother, she liked horses. You don’t, never did.

The proof? One day, not too far from this one — for like

Tiresias (as in T.S. Eliot, Bob! So there), I see all — you’ll

Sell me to a producer of sitcoms. What a terrible

Idea, you’ll think. Tell it to the Nielsens.  During the sad

Last two embittered years of your remorseless life, my

Glory will outshine yours from here to Oregon, dear Bob, and it

Will drive you mad. A backwoods mandarin, dreaming you

Might be Dante, only terser, you never saw that one coming.

 

I did, though. It kept me placid as you kept me waiting

In the snow. (There was a farmhouse.  Now it can

Be told. Bob just didn’t like its owner, who

Bought his TV before Bob or you.) But up to

Now, I’ve never said a word

To anyone about our old love-hate

Relationship. Why today? You know the answer: I’ll be prompted

By my deep throat’s need for hay, here in the Old Horses’ Home.

Misty and I now date.

 

So come on, Bob. It’s February. Shake a leg! Your two

Will cue my four. All six of ours are chilled

Well past the bone. There is nothing in those woods,

Old man — although there will be a condominium

One day, rhyming with orange every autumn. (What

Are they? Not in your vocabulary? Never mind.) I wasn’t

So little, and you know

We never were really all that far

From home.

 

 

Black Clock 6, 2007

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Archie in Furs


 

Shiny, shiny, shiny Archie comics:

Lou Reed gazes from afar.

Late for class? Miss Grundy, don’t chastize him.

Strike, dear Betty! Fix his car.

 

Orange hair and facial petri –

Archie lives in Riverdale.

Malts at Pops’s belong to such as Reggie.

Jughead, Jughead awaits you there.

 

[Chorus:] Moose is tired, Moose is weary.

Moose can’t fit inside a fridge.

A thousand dreams that all go Caligari:

Different women made of Midge.

 

Kiss the boots of plutocratic Lodges!

Marry me, Veronica!

Don’t tell me that this is Jeffersonian.

Theodore Dreiser is the Shah.

 

Dilton, Dilton, speak of Mensa!

Jughead, down on your bended knee!

Try the burgers, cheese is ten cents extra.

Let us speak of Weatherbee.

 

[Chorus: ] Moose is tired, Moose is weary.

Moose is putrid with strange qualms.

A thousand dreams that all look like Picassos:

Guernica, without the bombs.

 

Shiny, shiny, shiny Archie comics!

Lou Reed slinks off down the street.

Longing’s warp is the birth of subversion:

Andy Warhol, here we meet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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David S. Broder: an Obituary

David S. Broder Dies at Age 258

Legendary political columnist David S. Broder died this week, shortly before celebrating his 259th birthday.  A mere stripling of 61 when the British invaded our nation’s capital in 1814, his eyewitness report of Redcoats burning the Executive Mansion was turned down by the Washington Post on the sensible grounds that the newspaper didn’t exist yet.

Undaunted that television didn’t either,  Broder soon launched what was then called Meet Ye Press, turning up in Washington’s Lafayette Square every Sunday morning encased in an ungainly wooden box to discuss the issues of the day with puppet “guests” he manipulated somewhat awkwardly in the then popular style of Punch and Judy shows.  One of  Broder’s self-devised interlocutors, a rag doll unaffectionately nicknamed “Hugh Sidey” by the handful of onlookers paying attention, is preserved in the Smithsonian to this day.

By the time South Carolina secessionists fired on Fort Sumter, Broder — who had just turned 109 –  considered himself something of a Washington institution.  Though not mentioned by name, he is believed to be the source of a key image in fellow District resident Walt Whitman’s oddly little-known Civil War poem,  “O Frothing Skies of Mauve”:

 

O bayoneted bristle! O frothing skies of mauve! Oh tramp of U-

nion suited blue ‘neath mauve and weather’d democratic wreckage! Grim-fac’d,

we each go to our business: you, my Massachusetts camarado, to get plaster’d &

perforated by Minie balls at Bull Run, like a human colander of cloth &

flesh –

I to nurse your wound’d cohorts at any hospital that trusts me

with the sponges & warm unguents! And yet, amid war’s smoke, fierce bustle, hookers,

& the like, there sits a pale & droning creature in a box, albino-blooded,

noncommittally judgmental, who somehow makes it all sound boring.

Here are a few highlights of Broder’s career:

*April 15, 1865: “Last night at Ford’s Theater, Abraham Lincoln paid the ultimate price for his faith in the two-party system.”

*September 20, 1881: “Yesterday,  having lingered for 11 weeks after his shooting by Charles Guiteau,  James A. Garfield paid the ultimate price for his faith in the two-party system.”

*September 15, 1901: “Shot twice by anarchist Leon Czolgosz while attending the Pan-American Exposition last week, the late William McKinley has just paid the ultimate price for his faith in the two-party system.”

*November 23, 1963: “Visiting Dallas yesterday, John F. Kennedy paid the ultimate price for his faith in the two-party system.”

*March 31, 1981: “Exiting a speaking engagement at the Washington Hilton, Ronald Reagan very nearly paid the ultimate price for his faith in the two-party system yesterday afternoon.”

Over the years and indeed centuries, Broder also published a number of largely unread books, including Ye Two-Party System: A Modeft Tract Advocating Its Uses in The Former Colonies’ Present Crisis, The Two-Party System: Now More Than Ever, The Two-Party System and the Deathly Hallows, The Two-Party System for Dummies and The Two-Party System Cookbook.

Despite being a fixture on the Washington social circuit, Broder was notorious for annually shunning one event: the White House Easter Egg Roll, mere mentions of which could turn his usually bland features gelid with fear. “Too risky,” he explained on his 220th birthday.  “Especially if it’s a case of mistaken identity, I don’t want to pay the ultimate price for my faith in the two-party system at the hands of those damn kids.”

 

 

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